Cherished

Several weeks ago, I found my graduation announcement in the door of my car.
"You guys wanna see something crazy?"
I pulled it out and handed the announcement around. The pictures were taken a week or two after I decided to cut my own hair. (not the best thought I ever put into action...) It was "scandalously short", as I've taken to calling it - like, Anne Hathaway in Les Mis. short. Quite like a boy, I looked.

So the reactions were fun as I showed the pictures to my classmates. These people have been around me for four months.
"Wow!! You're so different!"
"Your hair was even shorter???"
"Oh my gosh, you did look like a guy. o_o"
"Rachel.... You have changed, so much."
A couple of the girls were genuinely weirded out.

When I was leaving home, a lot of people probably thought I was very confident and had it all together - but I was completely the opposite. I believed that somebody was always annoyed with me, that nobody genuinely enjoyed my company, was extremely insecure about how I looked. I was so insecure and felt like I had no true identity. I didn't feel like I fit into the "girl mold"; and I couldn't be a boy either, obviously... but I tried to be - maybe I would be more accepted that way. I had put myself into a box that I feared I could never get out of on my own. I didn't feel beautiful; and I felt like Beauty was somewhere I could never belong; where I wasn't welcome. The enemy held me in that stronghold of fear and lies.

But now the thing is,
I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of unacceptance; I don't have to try to adapt to get people to like me. I don't have to try to act or be like a boy anymore. I can like what I like, do what I do, and be myself as I was created to be - a woman. I'm not afraid of dresses, or makeup, or even the color pink. (*gasp!*) I'm not afraid of what people will think of me.
One of our speakers this year said something that has resonated with me ever since: we are casting down the enemy and defeating him, simply by being male and female - the original design that we were created to be. And I'm walking in that now. I am feminine. I am expressive. I can dress up. I can still run through the woods barefoot and catch frogs. I am loads of fun. I am completely myself.
And I love it. =)

This weekend I attended 'Cherished', the church's father-daughter banquet, with my host dad Carl, and his daughters-in-law. I bought a new dress, borrowed some boots and jewelry, and intentionally learned how to do makeup the week before so I could do it myself. Carl wore a tux and got us all corsages; he made us all feel really special.

And it truly was. For the first time I can remember, I felt... pretty. I looked in the mirror and felt truly, truly beautiful. It nearly brought me to tears. I felt like a daughter again; precious, protected, and cherished. That is God's Father-heart behind His intention when He designed me.

Nicole, Teal, Carl, Marilla, and Me.

A girl, a female, a woman.... that's what I am; and I'm not afraid to be that anymore. I am freed from boxes, from ideals, from unrealistic expectations of what I thought I was "supposed" to be. I am no longer afraid of beauty - and through Jesus' life, I can embrace my own. I don't need the words or attention of anyone else to give me my value; it's because I am valued, that I can now walk in such security. Who knew this would be so much fun??



-RJ