Freshman - Again!

So as of now, I am a full-time college student. 

A working college student, at that. Only for a short time though. The job I currently have is actually pretty temporary, looks like. But with homework and my internship with my youth pastor, that'll keep me busy enough. 

But the full-time classroom setting and the whole community college facility thing is kinda new.

I've noticed that I inertly tend to close myself off when I enter new situations by myself - which I've had to do a lot of in the past year, being away from my family and having to go at things by myself. Security and plane boarding at the airport, for example. 

Or in this case, the school setting. I want to be friendly to everyone, I really do. I want to start conversations and make friends. Probably more so than most people. But, you ever just enter a new situation and feel like you have to be on defense? That's the best way I can think to describe it, anyway. Like I'm a closed book that needs to be dusted off and reminded that it was made for reading. Or maybe a puppy or a small child, who's scared of you until you win their trust and are patient enough, then you're their new best friend. Anyway, I guess I just feel like maybe I just get scared of people. Then I'm closed-off. Then I see other people (going into the same classroom as me) interacting and smiling and making conversation, then I remember, "Oh yeah, I can be friendly!" Maybe it sounds silly, but it's a real thing. Sometimes I just watch the people and situation and wonder why I'm not involved in it too. (Because I haven't taken the initiate to speak up and become part of the conversation. Duh.)

Thinking back to when I took a running start course at the college my Junior year, and comparing it to now, I know I've improved a lot. Classroom dynamics may still be the same (I didn't grow up in a "classroom", after all), but I'm a lot more confident in that setting now. I find it easier to be myself and I'm not o scared. I want to be intentional about pursuing relationships with others in my classes, reach out to some of them and be a blessing. I think this campus is one of the places The Lord let me here to impact. 

There's still that ol' shyness, though. In writing class this afternoon, we sat in a circle and took turns reading a fun questionnaire about ourselves that we had filled out. I wasn't nervous, per say, but I remember my face getting hot when it was my turn and my knew my cheeks were turning pink. Being the center of attention just makes me uncomfortable sometimes. But I think it's more of an intimidation-by-people thing. Feeling inferior is also something I've battled for many years (and am overcoming), but it seems to often show itself most often in these "I'm-by-myself-in-a-crowd-of-new-people" situations. Or in just typical social situations, I'm caught off-guard when someone unexpectantly focuses the attention on me. I find it difficult to just relax and be myself then. I don't know if I believe that it's just the way I'm wired, because I feel that it's something I can conquer as I become more comfortable with just being myself. And that's something that will happen over time, as I spend more time with my Father - as His thoughts about me penetrate my own. Someone said in GL this year that, "even the most jagged places become smooth, with time in the river."

So I am hopeful, very hopeful. I think The Lord has some great opportunities for me ahead, and I'm excited to just..... well, keep interacting with people, I guess. Practice makes perfect, right? And people are awesome. Life is good.