Finished the first week of class here at GL. As a carpool driver every morning, my dad made me promise that not to listen to music in my car for the first month so I would focus on the road. It's been driving me nuts. So I've taken to singing in the car instead, and sometimes during breaks in class.
But every time, this is the only song in my head. I feel like it describes not only this week, but the whole year as a program pretty well. Pastor Tom keeps saying that "this is a safe place to fail". He is so patient with us and trusts God to work in us in His own time. In addition to orientation, a HUGE load of requirements and expectations, rules, and challenges, all 21 of us students are and will be dealing with hurt, insufficiencies, insecurities, addictions.... What is coming this year is going to be like a refiner's fire; what Jesus does will hurt, a lot. But it's never the same afterward, and we'll be more the whole people that He intended us to be.
Personally, this has already been a really hard week for me. Every day, I feel trapped inside myself; so many things to learn and keep track of, but smack-dab in the middle of it, I'm so afraid of what my classmates think of me. I'm so afraid of rejection. I'm also struggling to accept loving confrontation from my leaders for what it is - a loving call to attention for my best interest and growth, not a reprimand or criticism.
Despite and through all of it, though, it is still a great week. I like my classmates, and my house parents rock. I'm looking forward to the year with them. I'm really excited to see all of us grow as a class, as humans and as friends. As we dig into the deepness of God and are challenged, there is going to be brokenness that causes us to grow. That's the contradiction of Jesus - in him we are lost and found, broken and healed. That's why I think there is something so beautiful found in struggling. It is such a lovely brokenness, because it is not without Hope. Here we are free to fail, free to struggle. God's grace abounds, and His arms are mighty enough to protect us in our brokenness, hold us and heal us.
"And now these three remain; Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is Love."
"Greater man has no man than this, that he should lay down his life for his friends."
~Rach
2 comments:
Am praying for you! It's so cool that you're being refined like this, though--or maybe the term would be 'so hot'. You know. :)
Rachel, You are an amazing writer (your dad said the same thing) and have such a way with getting your thoughts down on paper. I love hearing your heart... your struggles, your victories, your reliance on Jesus, your willingness to be open to all God has for you. Remember 'indomitable spirit'.... I'm seeing that develop in you. Now I know how to pray for you more detailed. "Don't grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you don't give up" (Galatians 6:9). I love you immeasurably and am so proud of you at GL already...... Mom
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